Everything is wonderful.

Here I am, almost 2 years later. I forgot about this blog, I've been too distracted with life. That's the sad thing. I enjoy writing, taking notes, jotting down things that mean something to me - but life takes a hold of us and keeps us from sitting and doing this things we love. I am going to try to remember to blog - I like it.  I plan on writing a book at some point and having a blog would be a nice place to start. I just want to know more and see more and then write about it. I'd rather have a pen and paper with an open mind than do anything else. I love people and remembering everything I possibly can about each moment and encounter I have in this short life. Everything is wonderful.

Becoming an overcomer.

This is hard for me. Sharing weaknesses? I don't do that. Something I don't like people to know is when I'm struggling. I don't like to show sadness or weakness. At all. I get that from my mom. I like to smile, I enjoy being happy. Who doesn't? But reality is, life gets hard.

This semester has been hard. It's been one that I've had to keep a tight grip on God or I would break. I would fall, fall hard. I miss my family, I'm tired of working, school is hard, my house gets quiet, I'm exhausted, I'm tired of having one problem after another. I'm sick. Literally sick. I fainted yesterday. Truly fainted. Fainted from stress. Exhaustion. Over doing it.

Today's my day off. My big plan for the day is to do absolutely nothing. That's a challenge. Because if you know me - I don't relax. I don't sit. So here I am, trying to be still, self reflecting. But as I sit here complaining, rambling about pointless problems, I can't help but want to say it's okay. But people, that's our problem. It is okay for things not to be okay. That's what I am trying to teach myself. My life hasn't been a carousel ride. Far from smooth sailing. I've had to learn that problems are going to always be heading my way, but I can overcome it. But while I wait, I can be weak. I can complain. I can show others that I'm not okay. Because friends, I'm not.

Here's the thing - when I'm down, I'm strong. When I cry, I have pain leaving my body. When I fall, I have this awesome Creator waiting to catch me. That Creator knows I love Him with my whole heart, so He sticks around. Let's me be weak, because when I am weak, He is strong. When I am my knees, His arms are around me.

This life is hard. It's not easy. Paying rent, studying, working, being allergic to gluten, having hypothyroidism, being six hours from my family, not knowing what the future holds, loneliness, stress, anxiety..... these are things I deal with on a day-to-day basis that I hate. That drag me down. But I know in the end, life is going. I am moving forward. I am learning and one day God is going to use my struggles, things that broke me will be my strength. I am not finished. There's still so much work to be done on me. And I am truly excited to go through these trials because I know that God is shaping me. Molding me. Creating a strong woman of God right here, inside of me. I am becoming an overcomer.

My prayer is that we can share with each other our problems. It's not about being strong because we have God. I think sometimes we get caught up thinking we have to keep it together because we are christians and people are watching. There's some truth to that, but it's important that we don't try to be perfect. We're not. The only perfect thing about us is that the Holy Spirit lives inside of us. That spirit is what helps us to stand up when we fall. That spirit is what helps us find joy in sad days. That's the only thing that we can't let go of. That's what we have to show outsiders. There is something different about us, we're still human but we have an unhuman like quailty about us. So while we suffer, we have hope. And that hope is Jesus.

My Greatest Desire.

In this short life I am given I am most excited about being a mother. There is nothing I want more than that. For some reason that has always been my greatest desire. When I watched The Passion Of The Christ, I was sobbing. Crying for the pain that was shown in the movie. It's a touching film, we all know the story. We know how it starts and how it ends. But what got me to tears, what completely broke my heart, was when I saw Mary. The only times I cried through out the whole movie is when they showed her. Her passion. Her love. Her dedication to her son, her baby boy.

I didn't have the typical soccer mom growing up. I mean, she definitely tried but after hating soccer in pre kinder she gave that whole idea up. I had the kind of mom that did not tell you what she thought before you let her know how you felt. She was a good listener. Obviously, we fought quite a bit but she was great. My mom has a sweet voice. She has a comforting tone, that every now and then, that's all I need to hear. That tone. It's sweet and peaceful. As I got older, she was more a of a best friend than a parent. I didn't have many rules and I didn't listen to the ones she gave me most of the time, but through the freedom I learned so much. I definitely took advantage of it but I am so glad that I did. I never was grounded for long periods of time, never had my phone or car taken away, but it worked. My punishment was feeling guilty. I felt horrible for lying or taking advantage of the tender heart of my mother. We had several problems that kept our family on the edge but we learned to hold on to each other a bit tighter to keep from falling. She taught us how important family was, that sometimes all we have is each other. Which I plan to teach my family. I want them to know that family is the most imporatant thing and that we need each other. There's something about a mother that a lot of people don't get to experience, it's a warm quality. A soothing characteristic that mothers carry around with them. My mom gave the best hugs. I always told her that I fit perfectly in her arms like a puzzle piece. She still lets me cuddle with her, call her when I have a bad dream, and calms me down with I'm stressed out. Being a mom isn't something you do every now and then. It's an every day, all day, full time job. One that I can't wait to begin. I am so blessed to got to have had my mom growing up and still, even 6 hours away, have her just a phone call away. I may not get  to see her often but I know she's there and will always be there for me. My biggest fan, the only one I truly care about impressing.

My prayer is that my kids will say the same thing about me. I pray that I am the listener they need, I pray that I say the right things. I hope that I only speak of uplifting things even when I had the worst day. Instead of spanking, taking away, or being over powering in their lives, I hope they feel horrible for disobeying. I hope that their biggest goal is to make me proud. With that, I hope I show them how truly proud of them I am. I can't wait to see what kind of people they are. Giving, hopeful, challenged, encouraging... what ever it may be I am excited to see them grow. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am excited to share with them everything I know, to guide them, walk next to them, hold their hand, rub their back, kiss their "booboos". Everything. The whole shebang. I want to write them little notes in their lunch boxes, just like my mom did. I want to take them shopping and let them choose their clothes (if it's appropriate) and let them choose who they are. If I raise them right, I shouldn't have to worry about what kind of people they turn out to be.


Something I am not totally familiar with is their dad being in the picture. Wow. Now that just changes everything. My dad wasn't around much growing up. It's obviously a little complicated but that's just how it was. When I think about childhood I don't think of there being a father. I picture myself being a single mother just because that is what I've always had in my head. Now when I think of getting married, I think of what kind of father I want for my children. I have very high expections for the father of the children I've been preparing my heart for for over a decade. It makes me excited to think that they will have a father. That their will be someone else there for them. Someone that won't be kissing their "booboos", but yelling at the kid that hurt them. Someone to teach them about sports, and hunting. I am way excited to meet this man. To know there is a man out there that will fight with me and for me for the rest of my life, well that's amazing. But to know that there is a man out there who will love my kids.... now that is a man I can't wait to spend forever with.

Dear God,

I pray that I listen to You daily. I pray that I am growing in my faith more and more each day. Your will is all I want. I want to live by Your plan and only Your plan. I have ideas and desires but above all I value Your ideas and desires for my life. I pray that You are guiding me, and that I am obeying You. Father, I pray for patience and that I see what You have planned for me today rather than tomorrow. I pray for my future family. I pray that we glorify You in all we do. Right now, God, prepare my heart. Show me what I need to learn now to be a better mother and wife in the future.

The bucket list.

Here's my bucket list. Making a bucket list is an exciting thing, a list of things you know that are possible, exciting, and adventuresome. Like John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens while you are busy making other plans." If I get to do all of these things than I would very happy, if not, I would still be happy. I know that in life we are thrown experiences for the good and the bad. Things we learn from, and grow because of. God knows my heart, He knows my greatest desires. I have faith that whatever experiences I have through out my life will keep me excited, and still living life to it's fullest. But hey, scratching a few things off this ridiculous list would be pretty cool. I mean, we all have things we've all wanted to do. I really don't see many reasons why we can't fulfill a few earthly desires before we go. That's why there are so many beautiful things on this earth, for us to enjoy. So let's get up, get out there. Make a list. See some of your desires on paper. It may make you a little more excited about what lies ahead of you....

(Not in a specific order, except for where I'd like to start and somewhat of where I would like to end)

Graduate from college.

Go on missions all over the world.

Learn sign language.

Learn to play the piano and guitar.

Crowd surf.

Fall in love with the man God has for me.

See a broadway play in New York.

Kiss in the rain.

Take my own picture of the eiffel tower.

Ride in a hot air balloon.

Ride an mechanical bull.

Go to disneyworld.

Dance all through the night in Mexico.

Know the Bible as much as humanly possible.

Live in another country for atleast 6 months.

Pay for a strangers groceries.

Go scuba diving.

Listen to stories of the lives of people at a nursing home.

Hold a free hugs sign on the corner of a crowded street.

Go white water rafting.

Go on a spontaneous road trip.

Go to Times Square on New Years Eve.

Get married.

Travel with my husband.

Have a garden with my daughter(s).

Adopt atleast one kid.

Be the best mom I could possibly be.

Be the kind of teacher that kids never forget.

Grow old with my husband.

Dancing for Jesus.

Last night was the Raider Sisters For Christ winter formal. I cannot express how much I enjoy those kind of things. Getting dressed up, taking lots of pictures, and dancing with your best friends? I would do this every night if I could. The things I listed are great, but my favorite part of the whole event is the celebration of being apart of God's people. We are all there with atleast one thing in common. Our love for Jesus Christ. There is a feeling you get when you walk in the doors of a christian event. It is a comforting feeling knowing that it is going to be a good night. There's no alcohol, no one throwing up, or passing out. Yes, those are harsh views of what alcohol does at parties but it's true. I've been there. I know what it is like being scared of how the night will end, not knowing where you are going to pass out or what will happen that you will later regret. It is a horrible feeling that becomes a part of your every day thought process. Being apart of this christian community, I feel like I can breathe easier. There is a weight lifted off my shoulders. I'm in love with the people I'm surrounded by. I'm in love with the things we do and the fun we have. These are all perks of being in love with a Savior. I found where I belong, it's amongst those who live a different life than the average college student. It's surrounded by fellow believers who will be there for you if you call. I couldn't be more happy with where God has placed me.

Thinking inside of the box.

At this point in our lives we tend to analyze everything. We think there is something to learn in every situation... and there usually is. But not always. We don't need to pick at every situation. We need to be careful about how into things we think. Sure, God is always showing us things and constantly revealing Himself in everything we do but He's not always trying to show us signs. I am guilty of wondering why things happen and what I am supposed to learn from them. Or I tend think that I am feeling one way because God wants me to. We are human, we have minds of humans. Remember to not always think outside of the box. Let yourself enjoy what is happening in your life right now instead of trying to figure out what it means. Sometimes all God wants us to know is that He is working in our lives. Know that even when you are confused, lost, or even perfectly content, God is doing work in your life. Sometimes the best thing to do is do nothing but seek Him wholeheartedly... and let Him finish His work.

Here it goes.

I really don't know much about having a blog. I know that you share your opinions, I have plenty of those. I know you ramble on about things you care about, and you keep some what of a diary of what is happening in your life. I'm not doing this because I want the world to know me, or because I think what I have to say is that important. What I do know and want the world to know is that there's absolutely nothing special about me other than the fact that Jesus Christ lives inside of me, around me, and has captivated my heart....which will keep me satisfied for the rest of my life. I plan on blogging about what God is doing in me and through me daily. We are all constantly being used in Gods masterpiece of a plan and should share with each other how great our role is in his award winning play. Here it goes, I'm going to open up my heart to the ciber world. Wish me luck.