My Greatest Desire.

In this short life I am given I am most excited about being a mother. There is nothing I want more than that. For some reason that has always been my greatest desire. When I watched The Passion Of The Christ, I was sobbing. Crying for the pain that was shown in the movie. It's a touching film, we all know the story. We know how it starts and how it ends. But what got me to tears, what completely broke my heart, was when I saw Mary. The only times I cried through out the whole movie is when they showed her. Her passion. Her love. Her dedication to her son, her baby boy.

I didn't have the typical soccer mom growing up. I mean, she definitely tried but after hating soccer in pre kinder she gave that whole idea up. I had the kind of mom that did not tell you what she thought before you let her know how you felt. She was a good listener. Obviously, we fought quite a bit but she was great. My mom has a sweet voice. She has a comforting tone, that every now and then, that's all I need to hear. That tone. It's sweet and peaceful. As I got older, she was more a of a best friend than a parent. I didn't have many rules and I didn't listen to the ones she gave me most of the time, but through the freedom I learned so much. I definitely took advantage of it but I am so glad that I did. I never was grounded for long periods of time, never had my phone or car taken away, but it worked. My punishment was feeling guilty. I felt horrible for lying or taking advantage of the tender heart of my mother. We had several problems that kept our family on the edge but we learned to hold on to each other a bit tighter to keep from falling. She taught us how important family was, that sometimes all we have is each other. Which I plan to teach my family. I want them to know that family is the most imporatant thing and that we need each other. There's something about a mother that a lot of people don't get to experience, it's a warm quality. A soothing characteristic that mothers carry around with them. My mom gave the best hugs. I always told her that I fit perfectly in her arms like a puzzle piece. She still lets me cuddle with her, call her when I have a bad dream, and calms me down with I'm stressed out. Being a mom isn't something you do every now and then. It's an every day, all day, full time job. One that I can't wait to begin. I am so blessed to got to have had my mom growing up and still, even 6 hours away, have her just a phone call away. I may not get  to see her often but I know she's there and will always be there for me. My biggest fan, the only one I truly care about impressing.

My prayer is that my kids will say the same thing about me. I pray that I am the listener they need, I pray that I say the right things. I hope that I only speak of uplifting things even when I had the worst day. Instead of spanking, taking away, or being over powering in their lives, I hope they feel horrible for disobeying. I hope that their biggest goal is to make me proud. With that, I hope I show them how truly proud of them I am. I can't wait to see what kind of people they are. Giving, hopeful, challenged, encouraging... what ever it may be I am excited to see them grow. Physically, mentally, and spiritually. I am excited to share with them everything I know, to guide them, walk next to them, hold their hand, rub their back, kiss their "booboos". Everything. The whole shebang. I want to write them little notes in their lunch boxes, just like my mom did. I want to take them shopping and let them choose their clothes (if it's appropriate) and let them choose who they are. If I raise them right, I shouldn't have to worry about what kind of people they turn out to be.


Something I am not totally familiar with is their dad being in the picture. Wow. Now that just changes everything. My dad wasn't around much growing up. It's obviously a little complicated but that's just how it was. When I think about childhood I don't think of there being a father. I picture myself being a single mother just because that is what I've always had in my head. Now when I think of getting married, I think of what kind of father I want for my children. I have very high expections for the father of the children I've been preparing my heart for for over a decade. It makes me excited to think that they will have a father. That their will be someone else there for them. Someone that won't be kissing their "booboos", but yelling at the kid that hurt them. Someone to teach them about sports, and hunting. I am way excited to meet this man. To know there is a man out there that will fight with me and for me for the rest of my life, well that's amazing. But to know that there is a man out there who will love my kids.... now that is a man I can't wait to spend forever with.

Dear God,

I pray that I listen to You daily. I pray that I am growing in my faith more and more each day. Your will is all I want. I want to live by Your plan and only Your plan. I have ideas and desires but above all I value Your ideas and desires for my life. I pray that You are guiding me, and that I am obeying You. Father, I pray for patience and that I see what You have planned for me today rather than tomorrow. I pray for my future family. I pray that we glorify You in all we do. Right now, God, prepare my heart. Show me what I need to learn now to be a better mother and wife in the future.